Silmarillion: Owner's Guides & Maintenance Manuals
by Tenshi Androgynous
Summary: Are now in story format! Join the quest of our heroine as she seeks the Lost Scrolls, but finds something unexpected along the way! Complete guides featured: Finrod, Túrin, Eöl, Maedhros & Fingon. MAEDHROS and FINGON now up at long last!
1. FINROD FELAGUND

Because ffn has decided it has a Problem with the Owner's Guides format, or maybe just a Problem with me, the Owner's Guides to Silmarillion characters are now part of a side-story to the 'Care and Training of Elves.'  Our heroine is searching Middle-Earth to find the missing scrolls of the Annals of Catoë.  In her journey, she has come to the Mines of Moria to seek her book in the Chamber of Marzabûl, the Dwarves' hall of records.  Feel free to ignore the story element, but please enjoy the guides!  For the full backstory, in case you actually care, see 'New Owner's Guide to Care and Training of Elves' in the LOTR section.

With permission from Theresa Green.

The Chamber of Marzabûl:  Finrod

            The flickering torchlight reflected on the hewn walls of the passage as Dîm lead the way to the Chamber of Marzabûl.  The cloaked figure of the heroine followed closely behind her guide, not daring to fall too far behind the light.  It seemed they walked for miles and miles beneath the earth before Dîm began to slow and examine the side passages more carefully.

            "Through here," he said at last, thrusting his torch into a grand-looking archway.

            Mary Sue entered the chamber as Dîm began to light the torches held in sconces along the walls.  The room was vast, huge…and filled wall-to-wall with cases, books, scrolls, and chests.  It was not difficult to believe that the accumulated knowledge of an entire race lay within the delved chamber beneath the mountain.  But…how was she ever going to find the scrolls she was looking for in all this?

            Dîm began poking around in a shadowy corner, shifting books aside and moving chests across the floor to get to the deepest recesses of the archives.

            "I know of a couple of places to look for your special Elf-scrolls," he was saying.  "There's more than a few things in this archive that are said to have arrived under mysterious circumstances.  I recall seeing some papers in here that came from one of the Elf-realms."

            "Really?" said Mary Sue.  "How did the Dwarves get them?"

            "Well, that's a long story," said Dîm with a genuine smile.  There was little he loved more than a long story.  

            "How about the short version?" Mary Sue said impatiently.

            Grumbling a little, Dîm huffed and replied, "This stack here," he indicated a pile of books and scrolls, "came from the fallen kingdom of Nargothrond.  These once belonged to the Lord Felak-gundu himself.  After his betrayal by the sons of Fëanor and the desolation of the worm Glaurung, Nargothrond was broken open and the Petty-dwarf Mîm and his sons took over the guardianship of those halls.  Well, once Mîm was no more, some of the folk of Nogrod and Belegost thought it would be appropriate to, er…tidy up, yes, all that mess the dragon had left behind.  Well, some Men got there before us you see, and carried off most everything valuable, but we rescued all of Lord Felak-gundu's own possessions and eventually they were brought to Khazad-dûm for safe keeping.  It is said that some of the scrolls he had came to him under 'mysterious circumstances.'  Truth to tell, no one has really bothered with any of the Elf-scrolls in centuries, so it may be that you'll find what you're looking for here.  Ah!  Here we are!"

            In a great puff of dust, Dîm pulled a long scroll-case free of a large stack.  He offered it to Mary Sue, who accepted it with trembling hands.  The clasp on the scroll was the same as the other five Annals she had already discovered!  She had found the Sixth Scroll of Catoë!

            Eagerly she undid the clasp and unrolled the scroll, anxious to learn its secrets.  As Dîm watched her expectantly, her brow furrowed in surprise.  The scroll was indeed in English, written in the same hand as the others, but it was not part of the Annals.  This scroll appeared to be something different altogether.  Upon the weathered parchment, this is what she read:

**Finrod:  The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual**

*****CONGRATULATIONS!*****  
  
You are now the proud owner of FINROD FELAGUND! This charismatic and loveable unit is sure to give you many years of pleasurable service. To get the most out of your Friend-of-Men, please read the following manual carefully and follow all instructions. FINROD may be sold separately or in the CHILDREN OF FINARFIN-5 series quint-pack.  
  
              
              
**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS:**  
  
Name: _Finrod,_ also called _Felagund, Nóm_  
  
Type: _Male Elf (25% Noldor, 25% Vanyar, 50% Teleri)_  
  
Manufacturers: _Nargothrond Enterprises_  
  
Date of Manufacture: _Days of the Two Trees_  
  
Height: _Inferior to most other Noldorin Prince units_  
  
Length: _In no way a reflection of his height_  
              
              
  
**ACCESSORIES**  
  
Your FINROD is a multi-functional unit, and comes with these useful items:  
  
(a) Silver Crown of Nargothrond  
(b) Ring with Serpent Motif  
(c) Snowshoes  
(d) Costume befitting First-Age Noldorin Prince  
(e) Sword  
(f) Harp  
(g) Handy-Hewer™ mining kit  
(h) Pile of Noldorin treasure  
(i) Trial-size packet of Moral Fiber™  
  
              
Do not attempt to deprive your FINROD of accessory (a). He will willingly surrender it only to an ORODRETH unit.  
  
              
  
              
**INSTALLATION:**  
  
To properly install your FINROD, please be advised of the following:  
  
(1.) All FINROD units are delivered by refrigerated truck.  
(2.) Instead of a crate, you'll find your FINROD and his accessories are shipped encased in a block of ice.  
(3.) Leave him out in the yard for a few days so the ice will melt.  
(4.) Before you know it, the sun will rise and your FINROD will revive.  
(5.) Once he thaws out, sing to him for a while then pretend to fall asleep in front of him.  
(6.) The sight of your sleeping form will amaze and delight FINROD, and stir love in his heart.  
(7.) FINROD will sing you a lullaby, at which point you should get up and greet him.  
(8.) You will know installation is a success when FINROD offers you his friendship.  
              
              
  
**COMPATABILITY:**  
  
All FINROD units are programmed with three modes of operation:  
  
*Humor  
*Drama  
*Horror  
  
FINROD is beloved by ELVES and MEN alike. In _*Humor_ mode, you'll notice that your FINROD may closely resemble an Inscrutably Super-cute Elfling. This is normal. FINROD can safely interact with any unit other than FORCES OF DARKNESS in this mode. He may make light of dire situations with his 1000watt smile.  
  
In _*Drama_ mode, FINROD is prone to swearing oaths of friendship which may involve the gifting of accessory (b), having serious conversations, and being generally Kingly. He is noble of heart and mind and gentle of temperament, so he will make every effort to get along with any other unit other than FORCES OF DARKNESS. He is especially drawn to MEN units and eagerly befriends them. He may bring stray MEN home to keep as pets. FINROD is also very friendly with DWARVES, easily winning their respect and friendship.  
  
_*Horror_ mode is exclusively for dire circumstances. FINROD is self-sacrificing and will interpose himself between his friends and danger. He will get himself into very ugly situations but will nonetheless face all peril with a song. All FORCES OF DARKNESS are drawn to a FINROD unit in _*Horror_ mode.  
  
              
FINROD comes with the following software bundles installed: _Inscrutable Super-Cuteness, Smug Chastity, Friend-of-Men, Occasional Foresight v2.3, Hewer of Caves, Oath of Friendship v2.0, Duel of Songs, Spells for All Seasons, Virtuous King,_ and _Doom of Mandos._  
              
  
              
**OPERATING PROCEDURE:**  
  
FINROD is an Elf of many talents and you'll find he can be put to one of any number of constructive uses.  
  
Tutor: Are your children having trouble in school? Let FINROD handle their education. Just listening to him makes a person smarter.  
  
Contractor: Planning any extensions to your home? Avoid the hassle of applying for expensive city permits, and have FINROD delve your spacious new additions completely underground. No one ever needs to know about your luxurious subterranean stronghold.  
  
Bodyguard: FINROD is very protective of those to whom he gives his friendship, and will guard the life of another with his own, if needs be.  
  
Translator: FINROD is a talented diplomat, and can act as ambassador between you and any foreign peoples you may encounter. You'll find that he can read the thoughts of MEN, even if their language is not the same.  
  
Fortune-teller: On occasion, FINROD will have episodes of eerie prescience. If you're wondering about the fate of the stock market or the outcome of a sporting event, ask FINROD if he's had any bouts of unusual foresight lately.  
  
Entertainer: This musically inclined ELF delights to share his musical abilities. A singer of great renown, he is also skilled with the harp. Even the crudest instrument in the hands of a FINROD can produce the sweetest songs you've ever heard.   
  
Costumer: No more going to Wal-Mart for your children's Halloween costumes! With FINROD's _Spells for All Seasons_, he can conjure a disguise appropriate for any occasion. (Also useful for playing Santa at Christmas! FINROD loves handing out gifts!)  
              
  
              
**CLEANING**  
  
Standard ELVEN bathing procedures apply. Unlike many ELVES, FINROD loves to play in the dirt. He is frequently filthy from playing with his Handy-Hewer™, so regular bathing is necessary. While FINROD is for the most part capable of cleaning himself, this is no reason you shouldn't be neighborly and give him a hand.  
              
  
              
**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**  
  
**Q:** I've noticed that, unlike many other ELVEN units, FINROD has no slash mode. How do I get the most out of my FINROD FELAGUND?  
  
**A:** We suggest you start by deleting his _Smug Chastity_ software. This program causes FINROD to avoid any situation where his virtue is threatened. His slash potential is therefore very low. In addition, FINROD will pine for AMARIË, but because of his _Occasional Foresight_ will not marry her and will therefore refuse all others. Uninstalling his _Smug Chastity_ will change all this and greatly expand his potential uses.

**Q:  **I followed the installation instructions, but when my block of ice thawed it was not the gorgeous blonde ELF unit that I expected but instead a DUNGALEF THE ORC!  What gives!?

**A:  **Worry not!  Your DUNGALEF actually _is_ FINROD!  He is using his _Spells for All Seasons_ in order to disguise himself to travel through potentially unfriendly territory.  To break the spell, you can either convince him he is among friends and his disguise is unnecessary, or you can rent or borrow a SAURON unit to forcibly strip him naked (of his disguise).  Either way, it's up to you.  
  
**Q:** My FINROD is always hanging around in the basement and I catch him scratching around in the corners. What is going on?  
  
**A:** FINROD's _Occasional Foresight_ program has been initiated by exposure to an ULMO unit. He desires a realm of his own, and is attempting to dig himself a stronghold in your basement.  
  
**Q:** What should I do about this?  
  
**A:** Hire some DWARF units to help him out. FINROD easily befriends DWARVES and will pay them with his accessory (h), Pile of Noldorin treasure. In return, they will help him delve his caves, and will even make for him the Nauglamír, a carcanet of gold set with jewels, in token of esteem.  
  
**Q:** My neighbor has the entire SONS OF FËANOR series, and we want to get together with all our ELVEN units for a hunt. Is this a good idea?  
  
**A:** Yes and no. FINROD gets along well with MAGLOR and MAEDHROS and will happily go hunting with them. However, FINROD is easily distracted and will most likely wander away during the chase. In addition, CELEGORM and CURUFIN units are notorious muck-rakers, and will endeavor to turn all ELVEN units against FINROD. If you two are not careful, you may find yourselves thrust like beggars from your own gate.  
  
**Q:** What is this trial-size packet of Moral Fiber™ for?  
  
**A:** Moral Fiber™ is a specially-formulated cereal for Elves of Incorruptible Goodness. It keeps them stable, regular, and sane. If you give Moral Fiber™ to your FINROD and like the results, you can find this fine cereal at the nearest specialty store.  
  
**Q:** My neighbor, who has the largest collection of FORCES OF DARKNESS units I've ever seen, owns several WEREWOLF units and they've been giving my FINROD the eye in a way that I just don't care for. What should I do?  
  
**A:** Talk to your neighbor and find out what she's been feeding them. Chances are she's been giving them Felaground-beef™, the most popular wolf-kibble on the market, which is made from decommissioned FINROD units. Try to persuade her to give them an alternative kibble, such as Beren-bites™. If this does not work, consider investing in a HUAN THE HOUND (Manufactured by _All Good Beasts, Inc.)._  
              
              
  
**TROUBLE SHOOTING**  
  
**Problem:** Your FINROD arrived already thawed out. He acts meek and shows no interest in adventure.  
  
**Solution:** You have accidentally been issued a FINARFIN unit. If you do not wish to keep this timid but sensible unit, return him to the manufacturers with proof of purchase and the correct unit will be sent to you.  
  
**Problem:** FINROD is a huge disappointment. He is a useless, cowardly, dullard of a weakling.  
  
**Solution:** This brainless beauty is actually an ORODRETH. If you have no use for an ELF with more beauty than talent, the return policy is the same as FINARFIN.  
  
**Problem:** Your FINROD unit seems pensive, moody and sad.  
  
**Solution:** FINROD has recently witnessed the expiration of a BËOR unit. This is his first experience with units that do not last forever, and your FINROD's gentle heart is breaking. To cheer him up, you must entice him with some distracting activities, such as offering to let him delve your cave.*  
  
[*Note: This will provoke one of two reactions, depending on if you have uninstalled the _Smug Chastity_ software.]  
  
**Problem:** Some neighborhood ELVES are planning an offensive, and naturally your FINROD wants to go along. You are concerned about his safety.  
  
**Solution:** Buy or rent a BARAHIR to send along with him. Should disaster befall them, BARAHIR (or possibly another unit of the HEROES OF MEN series) will not fail to come to the rescue of a FINROD in need.  
  
**Problem:** A ragged-looking BEREN unit has showed up at your house, waving around a ring and beseeching your FINROD for aid.  
  
**Solution:** The ring is indeed the Ring of Barahir. When in need, BEREN is programmed to seek out the nearest FINROD unit for help. Your FINROD will fulfill his _Oath of Friendship_ programming at any cost, so you will not be able to dissuade him. Pick a couple of other units to accompany them and pack them sack lunches, then send them on their way.  
  
**Problem:** FINROD has been missing for weeks after leaving with BEREN, and you notice your neighbor's CELEGORM and CURUFIN are smirking an awful lot.  
  
**Solution:** Unfortunately, your FINROD has likely been made into Felaground-beef™. Accept our condolences and a coupon good for 10% off your next purchase of FINROD FELAGUND.  
  
              
  
              
**FINAL NOTE – GUARANTEE**  
  
All FINROD FELAGUND units come with an expiration date. Until that time, your unit and all his components are under full warranty. After his expiration, you are advised to return your FINROD to the manufacturers to be used for Felaground-beef™, and you will receive a voucher for a discount on your next purchase of FINROD. Good luck and enjoy!  
  
              
  
Felaground-beef™ and Beren-bites™ flavored MEATIES kibble are registered trademarks of Hellhound Cuisine.  
Moral Fiber™ cereal is available at specialty stores.

*          *          *          *          *

            "Well I'll be!" exclaimed Dîm, who Mary Sue realized at last was reading over her shoulder.  "Can you read that chicken-scratch?" he asked her.

            "Yes," she said.  "This is good stuff, certainly, but it isn't what I'm looking for.  It must have something to do with those 'synthetic Elves,' mentioned in the Introduction.  But it's not one of the Annals of Catoë," she said in a disappointed voice.  Looking back over the text for a moment, she muttered aloud, "What's this about a 'Dungalef'?  I don't get it."

            "Hmm…" said Dîm, scratching his bearded chin.  "I think we have a copy of The Lay of Leithian around here somewhere if you'd like to read it…"

            "No!" Mary Sue quickly replied.  "No, that's alright!"  The last thing she needed was another boring book.  "There's only one thing I want, and that's my very own Elf!"

            "Too bad, lass, very sorry," Dîm replied as he reached for the Scroll of Finrod to take it back.

            Mary Sue drew it out of reach.  "Ah, perhaps I should still hang on to this one anyway, er, just in case."  She smiled sweetly, batting her eyelashes at Dîm.

            The Dwarf shrugged.  "Suit yourself.  Come, there's a few more Elf-scrolls over here.  Maybe that book you're after is among them."

            Carefully re-rolling the Scroll of Finrod, Mary Sue resealed it and tucked it safely into her satchel with the five Annals she had already found.  If the quest didn't work out, it seemed like having her own FINROD unit might not be a bad second choice.

            Mary Sue followed the squat form of Dîm her guide as he lead her deeper into the archives.

NEXT:  Túrin

*          *          *          *          *

A/N  In honor of one of the bravest Elves there ever was.  Hope I did him justice.  Please review!

'The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual' format belongs to its creator, the wonderful Theresa Green, and is used here with her permission.  The 'software bundles installed' is my own adaptation.

Felaground-beef™ and Beren-bites™ flavored MEATIES kibble are registered trademarks of Hellhound Cuisine.

Moral Fiber™ cereal is available at specialty stores.


	2. TÚRIN TURAMBAR

Because ffn has decided it has a problem with the Owner's Guides format, or maybe just a problem with me, the Owner's Guides to Silmarillion characters are now part of a side-story to the 'Care and Training of Elves.'  Our heroine is searching Middle-Earth to find the missing scrolls of the Annals of Catoë.  In her journey, she has come to the Mines of Moria to seek her book in the Chamber of Marzabûl, the Dwarves' hall of records.  Feel free to ignore the story element, but please enjoy the guides!  For the full backstory, in case you actually care, see 'New Owner's Guide to Care and Training of Elves' in the LOTR section.

The Chamber of Marzabûl:  Túrin

            _"Ah, ah, ah…CHOOOO!"___

            Mary Sue blinked and sniffled as the dust of the archives caused another sneeze.  She had been under the mountain now for three days, and had yet to find another volume of the Annals of Catoë, the precious scrolls she had come seeking.  Instead, Dîm the Doorward, her guide, was busy showing off every Dwarvish treasure he could get his hands on.  They were becoming increasingly frustrated with each other, as Mary Sue had yet to be impressed.

            At the moment, they were poring through the scrolls which Dîm's ancestors had 'liberated' from the ruins of Nargothrond, the fallen kingdom of Finrod Felagund.  Mary Sue was looking for a very particular seal, the seal borne by the other five Annals she had already collected; first from the Mysterious Cloaked Stranger in Minas Tirith and then filched from the memoirs of the Stewards in the Great Library.

            It was beginning to look hopeless.  Dîm offered her scroll after scroll with similar-looking seals which he claimed had come to Middle Earth from other worlds.  A great deal of them were written in English, to her surprise, but most of them didn't make much sense.  The vast majority were fictional tales which seemed to falter and remained unfinished by their writers.  A few were complete, but she didn't take the time to read even the more interesting ones.  Dîm seemed to qualify anything written in English as 'strange and mysterious,' so the going was very slow indeed.

            "Ah, here we are!" said Dîm for the umpteenth time that day.  He was proudly waving around another scroll, looking just as dusty and plain as the others.

            Mary Sue resisted the urge to glare at him and settled instead for a heavy sigh.  Dîm offered her the scroll with his chest puffed proudly and grinned, watching her take it and perfunctorily glance at the seal.

            Her heart began to pound.  It was the same seal as the other Annals!

            "Where did this one come from?" she asked the Dwarf sharply.

            "Ah," he said, "That one is also from Nargothrond.  Very special, that one is."

            "How so?"

            Dîm looked as though he wished he could hunker down conspiratorially with her, but as she was a good foot and a half taller, it was not possible.  He settled for a conspirational whisper instead.  "That one," he said in a low voice, "has a curse on it."

            Mary Sue held the scroll out away from her and eyed it suspiciously.

            "It is said," continued Dîm, "That that there scroll came from the hand of Mîm himself.  He had it in his own possession when he died, and with his final breath he cursed it!  Look there!"

            With one stubby finger, he pointed to splotches on the case that looked suspiciously like bloodstains.

            "That scroll brings woe and misery wherever it goes.  Are you sure it be the one you're looking for?"

            Drawing a deep breath to shore up her courage, Mary Sue replied, "Only one way to find out."

            She untied the seal on the case and unrolled the mysterious scroll.  When nothing jumped out of the shadows to smite her, she dared to read what was written on the page.  Upon the scroll she read:

**Túrin :**** The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual  
  
*** CONGRATULATIONS! *****  
  
You are now the proud owner of TÚRIN TURAMBAR! TÚRIN may be sold separately or with NIENOR in the CHILDREN OF HÚRIN two-pack (specially marked two-packs come with coupon for a free LALAITH). The son of the fairest of all Mortals, your TÚRIN has no rival in beauty among Men. This doughty and eccentric unit from the HEROES OF MEN series requires special care, so please read through the entire manual before opening!*  
  
_*Note – All sales of TÚRIN TURAMBAR are final - no refunds or exchanges even on unopened units!_  
              
              
  
**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS:**  
  
Name: _Túrin,_ will also answer to _Turambar, Neithan, Gorthol, Agarwaen, Mormegil, Adanedhel, etc…_  
  
Type: _Man of Dor-Lómion_  
  
Manufacturers: _The House of Hador, Ltd., Children of Húrin Division_  
  
Date of Manufacture: _165, First Age of the Sun_  
  
Height: _6'9_  
  
Length: _Adjustable. See supplemental 'Lay of Leithian' text, Spell of Lengthening_  
              
              
  
**ACCESSORIES**  
  
Your TÚRIN comes equipped with the following items to help him fulfill his functions as a HERO OF MEN:  
  
(a) Strangely Sentient Sword – may be either Anglachel or Gurthol model, with or without bloodstains  
(b) Dragon-Helm of Dor-Lómion  
(c) Flask containing Water of Ivrin  
(d) Large, heavy drinking goblet  
(e) Suitably grubby fur-and-leather clothing  
(f) Three sheets of name-tag stickers  
(g) Travel-pack of _lembas_  
(h) One complimentary companion unit – may be one of the following: NÍNIEL, FINDUILAS, BELEG, or GWINDOR  
(i) One complimentary foe unit – may be one of the following: SAEROS, BRANDIR, BRODDA, or GLAURUNG*  
  
              
*Due to parcel length, extra shipping charges apply to GLAURUNG.  
  
*** CAUTION ***   
TÚRIN is an extremely temperamental unit, so use care when opening and always supervise his interactions with others.  
              
  
              
**INSTALLATION**  
  
Prior to removing your TÚRIN from his crate, have the following items on hand: chloroform, bucket with warm soapy water, scrub brush, comb, razor, scissors.  
  
Use the following procedure:  
1.) Upon opening the crate, promptly drug your TÚRIN until he is safely unconscious.  
2.) Quickly remove item (e), suitably grubby fur-and-leather clothing. Discard if desired.  
3.) Use soapy water and scrub brush to clean your TÚRIN.  
4.) Use comb, razor, and scissors to groom TÚRIN. Do a thorough job, as TÚRIN will not give you another opportunity to care for his appearance. _Any further attempt to do so may prove fatal._  
5.) Dress your TÚRIN in appropriate clothing (optional).  
  
              
              
**COMPATABILITY**  
  
Your TÚRIN has three pre-programmed modes of operation:  
  
*Gloomy  
*Tormented  
*Suicidal  
  
_*Gloomy_ is the standard factory setting. In this mode TÚRIN can safely interact with most other units except for any FORCES OF DARKNESS. However, accidental harm may come to even friendly units, triggering TÚRIN to switch to either _*Tormented_ or _*Suicidal_ modes.   
  
TÚRIN gets along well with most ELVES, having been fostered by a THINGOL unit. Major exceptions include the SAEROS unit – it is recommended that you withhold both items (a) and (d) when your unit interacts with a SAEROS. Unfortunately, as TÚRIN is a lightning-rod for sudden calamity, even friendly ELVES tend to be damaged or killed after interacting with TÚRIN. Therefore TÚRIN should be carefully supervised when interacting with GWINDOR, BELEG, ORODRETH, or FINDUILAS. TÚRIN is especially fond of BELEG, and allow him to handle both his sword and his helmet.  
  
While TÚRIN is a MAN, he has a short temper which is easily provoked. TÚRIN units are hostile towards most MEN and DWARVES, and death and injuries frequently result from interacting with them. TÚRIN has friendlier attitudes towards units related to himself, including all those manufactured by House of Hador; however, this does not cancel out his lightning-rod effect.  
  
TÚRIN will gleefully slay any complimentary foe unit.  
              
              
  
**OPERATING PROCEDURE**  
  
Not only is your TÚRIN ruggedly handsome, he also comes pre-programmed with numerous skills. TÚRIN can make himself useful performing many household tasks.  
  
Household Defense: Your TÚRIN is both aggressive and combative. He is hostile towards all strangers and many friends. With TÚRIN guarding your door, you will no longer have to worry about marauding ORCS, distant relatives, or raving FANGIRLS.  
  
Travel guide: TÚRIN has seen a great deal of the world! He is adept at planning long trips and will unfailingly guide you and your party to every worthwhile attraction, no matter how dangerous.  
  
Hunter: TÚRIN is handy with both bow and sword and seldom fails to kill something every time he leaves the house.  
  
Motivational Speaker: This HERO OF MEN is a born leader and will quickly incite even the most peaceful of peoples to sudden and bloody riot. Also useful in situations where usurping authority is necessary.  
  
Children's Guardian: If your children are having trouble with bullies, let them take TÚRIN along to school. TÚRIN can out-bully any kid on the block, although he can be defeated in a staring contest. Be wary if his mother is insulted – death and injury may result!  
              
  
TÚRIN comes with the following software installed: _Curse of Morgoth, Blind Wrath, Guilt-Induced Madness, Filial Rage, Petulant Sulk, Incestuous Relations,_ and his standard OS, _Walking Disaster._  
  
              
              
**CLEANING**  
As a HERO OF MEN, TÚRIN requires less personal grooming than many other units. In fact, it is best to allow your TÚRIN to look after himself completely in this area.   
  
***WARNING*** Do not, under any circumstances, make fun of your TÚRIN's appearance should he fall behind in his bathing. Do not attempt to clean him yourself. The mere sight of a comb in your hand may provoke his _Blind Wrath_ program and TÚRIN may attack you using item (d). _This can result in serious injury or death!_  
              
  
              
**PRECAUTIONS**  
TÚRIN son of HÚRIN is a magnet for bad luck. He must be supervised at all times lest his actions have unfortunate and tragic consequences.  
  
***WARNING*** Do not, under any circumstances, try to awaken TÚRIN when he is in Rest/Recharge mode. _Any attempt to do so may prove fatal!_  
              
  
              
**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**  
  
**Q:** My TÚRIN acts moody and depressed all the time. He has frequent accidents and is often violent. What is wrong?  
  
**A:** Nothing. Your TÚRIN is simply carrying out his standard programming.  
  
**Q:** Last week I sent my TÚRIN to the grocery store to run errands. He insisted on driving himself but promptly backed the car over the family dog and hit a school bus on the way back!  
  
**A:** Congratulations. Your TÚRIN is functioning perfectly.  
  
**Q:** My TÚRIN has gone on a rampage! He rallied half the neighborhood into making war on the other half, then turned around and slaughtered most of his own troops!  
  
**A:** You are beginning to get the idea.  
  
**Q:** Why is TÚRIN such a loser?  
  
**A:** Your TÚRIN has the _Curse of Morgoth_ programming installed; this is standard for all HÚRIN-related units. It ensures that what he desires he will not gain and all his designs will go awry.  
  
**Q:** Is there any way to remove his _Curse of Morgoth_ software?  
  
**A:** Set your TÚRIN to _*Suicidal_ mode and the problem should take care of itself.*  
  
***NOTE*** The House of Hador, Ltd. is not liable for any mishaps which may or may not result.  
              
              
  
**TROUBLE SHOOTING:**  
  
**Problem:** Your TÚRIN pays no attention to your NÍNIEL unit but shows great interest in FINDUILAS and appears to have only one hand.  
  
**Solution:** You have accidentally been issued a BEREN unit, another one of the HEROES OF MEN series. If you, for some strange reason, still want a TÚRIN instead, return BEREN with receipt and an exchange TÚRIN unit with a coupon for a free BELEG will be sent to you.  
  
**Problem:** Your TÚRIN doesn't live up to his hype. He sulks and mutters properly enough, but his appearance leaves much to be desired.  
  
**Solution:** Your TÚRIN is actually a GOLLUM. You may or may not wish to make an exchange.  
  
**Problem:** Your TÚRIN threw a temper-tantrum and ran off. He refuses to come home and instead skulks in the woods with unsavory characters.  
  
**Solution:** Obtain a BELEG unit and send him after TÚRIN. BELEG comes with _Faithful Companion_ programming and will not fail to find and comfort TÚRIN.  
  
**Problem:** You followed the above procedure. However, your TÚRIN came home with his sword bloody and there is no sign of BELEG. Now TÚRIN seems to have gone into _*Tormented_ mode and you cannot snap him out of it.  
  
**Solution:** Unfortunately, your TÚRIN has likely slaughtered BELEG. This happens. To cure your TÚRIN, have your GWINDOR give him a swig from accessory (c), flask containing the Water of Ivrin.  
  
**Problem:** Your TÚRIN is still depressed after consuming accessory (c).  
  
**Solution:** Encourage your TÚRIN to change his name and he will be fine until his next disaster. Utilize accessory (f), name tag stickers, to avoid possibly tragic confusion. [Note: If you have a NIENOR unit, you may wish to give her a sticker or two as well in case she encounters a GLAURUNG, which is known to spontaneously reprogram other units.]  
  
**Problem:** TÚRIN is still mopey and beginning to operate in _*Suicidal_ mode.  
  
**Solution:** Distract your TÚRIN by paying extra-special attention to him. Offer to sharpen his sword, or to polish his Dragon-Helmet. TÚRIN is fully functional, so be sure that all his needs are being met. (If desired, you may purchase a replacement BELEG to carry out these tasks.)  
              
              
  
**FINAL NOTE – GUARANTEE**  
  
Due to the mercurial and schizophrenic nature of TÚRIN TURAMBAR, we sadly cannot make any guarantees. Nor can we accept liability for damage to any other units which may occur when interacting with TÚRIN.  
  
Your best chance for incident-free operation of TÚRIN is to pair him with a NÍNIEL unit and keep them far, far away from any DRAGONS, cliffs, or pointy objects. Best of luck, and enjoy!

*          *          *          *

            Mary Sue gaped.  "What the heck _is _this thing?  Why would _anybody_ want one of these awful things!?"

            Dîm, who had been listening to Mary Sue reading aloud, shrugged his bulky shoulders.  "Beats me.  Although I begin to see why old Mîm the Fatherless would have laid a curse on it.  Are you going to keep it?" he asked.

            "No!"  She hastily dropped the scroll in disgust.  "Why would anyone want that?"

            A little irritated over her disrespect for the treasures of the Dwarves, Dîm retrieved the scroll from the dusty floor and reverently rolled it back up into its case.  "Perhaps they felt sorry for the poor thing," he muttered, trying to politely point out that pity was the reason he was helping her in the first place.

            Mary Sue actually thought about this for a few moments.  Her tone was a little softer when she answered, "Perhaps you are right."  It was all she would say on the matter.

            Shrugging again, Dîm returned the scroll to its resting place among the other forgotten annals of Nargothrond.  "Come, lass, there are plenty more scrolls to search.  I think we have a pile of Elf-scrolls from Gondolin around here somewhere…"

            Taking up his torch once more, Dîm lead the way through the sheaves and stacks of archives in the Chamber of Marzabûl. 

NEXT: EÖL

---

The Owner's Guides format of course belongs to Theresa Green, and is used with her generous permission.

All reviews were lost when the OG were taken down.  *sob*  Be kind, review us again!

~TA


	3. EÖL THE DARK ELF

Mary Sue's quest continues.  She has finally found the Sixth Annal of Catoë and is searching now for the Seventh.  But will she find something even more interesting?

The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual format of course belongs to Theresa Green and is used here with her generous permission.  

3. The Chamber of Marzabûl:  Eöl

            Mary Sue crowded close behind Dîm's torch.  The Chamber of Marzabûl certainly was a creepy place!  Every now and then she fancied she could hear skittering feet in the darkness.  Not the rough, clomping feet of the Dwarves, either, but _sinister_ sounding _sneaky-feet._  She wondered why in the world the Dwarves prized this place so much.  She knew enough about Middle-Earth to know that previous attempts at re-colonization had failed, yet a few hardy souls still dared its sunless depths – fortunately for her.  Dîm son of Dundur was one of these, and the Doorward of Moria had agreed to guide her to the hall of records in search of the lost scrolls.

            The scrolls had come from a distant world, according to legend, and were written in an English hand.  The Elves had cursed the scrolls and banned their knowledge, scattering them to the distant corners of Middle-Earth.  Now Mary Sue was on a quest to re-gather the forbidden Annals of Catoë, a quest which had brought her into the dark halls of Moria, the Black Pit.  Among the treasures of the Dwarves were numerous Elf-scrolls which had been gifted, or 'liberated', over the years and now lay gathering dust.  Mary Sue had _finally_ found one of the Annals in this dark place, and was hoping against hope that Dîm could lead her to another one.  She had already found a few other interesting scrolls written in the same hand as the Annals, but which were obviously part of something else.  One of these, which bore the same seal of Catoë, was the Scroll of Finrod, which she had carefully tucked away with her other six scrolls.  She wanted to study that one more closely later.  Another was the cursed Scroll of Túrin, which she had gotten rid of as quickly as humanly possible.

            Now Dîm was sorting through another moldy and mildewed pile of scrolls.  Mary Sue really couldn't blame the Dwarves for not keeping their library in better shape.  She'd never been all that fond of books until now, but Dîm at least seemed to be a little embarrassed.

            "These here," he was saying, "came from the archives of Belegost.  That Dwarf-realm is no more, but some of their treasures ended up here."

            He blew dust off a few of the top-most books and scrolls.  "They used to be in friendship with the Elves, until the Betrayal," he continued, making a face.  "But in those days there was even an Elf who would go to visit the Dwarf mansions and stay with them on festival days.  Some folk thought he must have been the Prince of Elves, but long ago he stopped visiting and no one ever found out why.  Many a tale's been sung about the sadness of the Dwarves when their Elf-friends forsook them.  They are all gone now, the Elf-friends of old…"  Dîm's voice trailed off sadly.

            Mary Sue shifted a little impatiently.  "Have you found anything?" she asked, reminding him she wasn't here for a history lesson.

            Dîm shook himself out of his reverie.  "Sorry, miss," he said gruffly, sounding anything but.  He pulled a battered scroll case out of the pile.  This one looked like it had seen better days, but the seal on the case was unmistakable.  It was the same as the other Scrolls of Androgynous.

            Handing it to her, Dîm waited patiently as Mary Sue stripped off the seal and read the contents of the scroll aloud.  Upon the scroll there stood written:

**Eöl: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual**

*** **CONGRATULATIONS!** ***

You are now the proud owner of EÖL, the dark smith of Nan Elmoth!  Thank you for giving a home to this misunderstood and much-maligned Dark Elf.  If you follow these instructions and treat him right, you'll find that this quirky and eccentric unit will give you at least several years of faithful service.  Once you have an EÖL, you'll never be able to get rid of him!__

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS**

Name: _Eöl the Dark_

Type: _Dark Elf (male), Sindarin_

Manufacturers: _Moriquendi Ltd, __Nan__ Elmoth_

Date of Manufacture: _Before the Trees_

Height: _Stooped, indeterminate_

Length: _Guaranteed superior to Noldorin units._

**ACCESSORIES**

EÖL is not happy unless he has something to occupy his hands.  The manufacturer therefore provides these useful accessories:

(a) One set of Suitably Intimidating Galvorn™ Armor

(b) One set of metal-smithing tools

(c) Kit containing various raw materials including:

            i)  Iron ore

            ii)  Gold ore

            iii)  Precious stones

            iv)  Chunk of radioactive meteor

            v)  Raw mithril

(d) One anvil

(e) One hammer

(f) One set of tongs

(g) One javelin, poison-tipped__

(h) Assorted Silent Servants

**INSTALLATION**

To reap the full benefits of your EÖL, installation is a critical process.  EÖL is programmed to imprint on the first female he sees upon being taken out of the crate.  Use the following procedure to insure success:

1) Place crate in a dark and secluded area, such as the basement or your closet.  This is where EÖL will be spending most of his time.

2) Dress yourself in a filmy white gown and try to look as distressed and helpless as possible.

3) Open the crate quietly and allow EÖL to observe you from your most flattering angle.

4) You will know imprinting has been successful when EÖL invites you to join him in his crate.

**COMPATABILITY**

Your EÖL has three pre-programmed modes of operation:

*Reclusive

*Romantic

*Homicidal

While *_Reclusive_ is the standard factory setting, it will take the owner some time to learn the very subtle differences between the three settings.  In *_Reclusive_ mode, EÖL will avoid interacting with any other units to the extent which he is able.  Your EÖL will only switch out of *_Reclusive_ mode if he is properly imprinted onto a female.  

In *_Romantic_ mode, you'll find EÖL becomes terribly possessive and jealous.  He will put his smithing accessories to good use and will forge lovely gifts for you.  He will have a hostile attitude towards all your relations and anyone else who speaks to you.

Try to avoid running your EÖL in *_Homicidal _mode unless you have tiresome company that just won't leave, or FANGIRLS who are harassing your other ELVEN units.

EÖL is not particularly inclined to interact with any other units of any kind.  He is hostile towards MEN and ELVES alike, and inspires no love in any of AREDHEL's relations, especially TURGON.  EÖL has special enmity for any units of the SONS OF FËANOR series, especially CURUFIN and CELEGORM, who are known to bully EÖL.  

There are two exceptions to his general hatred.  EÖL will willingly interface with AREDHEL units (for instructions please see AdultFanFic.net). If you allow your EÖL to interface with an AREDHEL, you may find that a MAEGLIN will result.  EÖL is also generally friendly with any and all DWARF units, even those which have been set to _*Slash_ mode.  In fact, if you look at EÖL and DWARF units side-by-side, you will see they are practically made for each other.

**OPERATING PROCEDURE**

Aside from being a nice decoration, EÖL is very highly skilled and has talents that can be put to a number of good uses around the house.

Security:  EÖL takes the privacy and defense of his home very seriously.  Absolutely no unwelcome persons will defile the sanctuary of your house if you allow EÖL to take charge of greeting visitors.  With a lesson or two in modern electricity, EÖL will gleefully install a lethal-voltage fence on your property.

Repairman:  You will find that EÖL is extremely derisive of shoddy workmanship.  Upon his arrival, he will immediately go through your house and destroy any and all objects of inferior Noldorin make you may have around and forge suitable and superior replacements.

Home Improvement:  Planning any remodeling to your house?  Allow EÖL to plan and execute your spacious new additions!  You'll find that he excels at forging locks and bolts, building secret hideaways, and very tall fences.

Tracking:  EÖL's stubborn persistence makes him an ideal tracker.  Once he sets out to find someone or something, nothing will deter him until he finds his quarry or his death.

Masseuse:  Oh, yes.  EÖL is very good with his hands, and his talents extend beyond mere metal-work.  Put yourself in his capable hands, and you'll find that EÖL gives a first-rate massage.

Entertainer:  Despite his reticence, you will find that EÖL is a hit at parties, especially with children, thanks to his amazing 'Talking Sword Trick.'

EÖL comes with the following software bundles installed: _Smithing for Dark Geniuses v2.0, Dysfunctional Parenting v2.2, Marriage for Dummies, Unrelenting Pursuit, General Enmity, _and _Marksmanship v3.1*_

_*_Note: Due to numerous bugs found in this software after release, all copies of _Marksmanship v3.1_ have been recalled.  You may find that this buggy software will affect your EÖL's performance with accessory (g).  If you register this software, you will be sent a free copy of _Marksmanship v3.2 _as soon as it is released.

**CLEANING**

EÖL will submit to the same standard bathing procedure as any other ELVEN unit.  Thanks to his metal-smithing hobbies, however, you will find that EÖL is frequently grungy, thus affording you the opportunity to bathe him as often as you like.  In *_Romantic _mode, EÖL will eagerly return the favor.

**PRECAUTIONS**

EÖL is very sensitive to sunlight, and will avoid bright light when he can.

EÖL is also not fond of heights.

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

**Q:  **My EÖL has threatened to 'stick me with his javelin.'  What should I do?

**A:**  In order to react properly and avoid a tragic mishap, it is imperative to know whether your EÖL is set to operate in *_Romantic _or *_Homicidal_ mode.  This can mean the crucial difference between a genuine death threat, or merely EÖL's idea of foreplay.

**Q:  **Since arriving, my EÖL has been completely nocturnal.  He sleeps all day and only comes out at night.  Is this unusual, and how can I change it?

**A:**  Unfortunately, this is standard behavior for all EÖL units.  Your unit was manufactured in the forest of perpetual night, and it is impossible to replicate his natural habitat.  He loathes sunlight and will avoid it if at all possible.  This programming cannot be changed, so try to schedule your interaction time with EÖL accordingly.  Besides, what were you really planning to do with EÖL you couldn't do at night, anyway?

**Q:**  My EÖL came home beaten up this morning.  He complained that 'those devious, treacherous sons of an orc,' had harassed him.  What happened, and what can I do about it?

**A:  **It sounds like your EÖL had a run-in with some SONS OF FËANOR.  Find out who they belong to, and try to persuade their owner(s) to curb their behavior.  If you are unable to come to a peaceful solution, then buy or rent a DIOR unit and pair him with EÖL.  Together, they should be able to take care of the problem.

**Q:  **There is a THINGOL unit in our neighborhood who has also been giving EÖL some trouble, and I know that DIOR won't to anything about him.  What can we do?

**A:**  Have EÖL use his smithing tools and raw material (c-iv) to forge a pair of Strangely Sentient Swords.  If he gives one to THINGOL, he will be left alone.  Be warned, however, that EÖL begrudges anything he is compelled to part with, so some of the dark heart of the smith will go into the weapon.

**Q:  **My EÖL has threatened to 'stick me with his javelin,' and I _know_ he is in *_Homicidal_ mode.  What do I do!?

**A:  **If your EÖL is running _Marksmanship v3.1_, as long as EÖL is aiming at you, you should be perfectly safe.  In addition, if there is an AREDHEL unit around, she will throw herself in front of you and the javelin will surely hit her instead.  Yes, even this treacherous, faithless wench unit has her uses.

**TROUBLE SHOOTING**

**Problem:** You want to make a trip that will involve traveling by day, and EÖL insists on accompanying you.

**Solution:**  You will not be able to dissuade EÖL, so by all means, take him with you.  To protect EÖL's sensitive, vulnerable skin from the sun, give him thorough and frequent applications of sunscreen over every square inch of his body, just to be safe.

**Problem:  **Recently you have noticed some strange red rashes on EÖL's thighs when bathing him that cannot be explained.

**Solution:**  Ask around in your neighborhood and try to find out if there are any DWARF units nearby that have been set to *_Slash_ mode.  Be sure to thoroughly medicate your EÖL's beard-burns by gently rubbing his tender, inflamed flesh with a soothing lotion or other lubricant.

**Problem:  **EÖL refuses to listen to your commands and instead gives you a dirty look every time you speak to him.  You are afraid he may be on the verge of switching to *_Homicidal_ mode.

**Solution:**  Many people who have owned other ELVES have become accustomed to giving commands in Quenya.  This will only provoke and enrage your EÖL, however.  Do not use Quenya around him, and instead only give him commands in Sindarin or English.

**Problem: **EÖL seems depressed and despondent (more so than usual) and shows no interest in his forge or weapons.

**Solution:  **Despite his skills and talents, deep down EÖL is very insecure and fears rejection and abandonment.  Have his wife and son recently left him?  Have you been paying enough attention to him?  To cheer up EÖL, first reassure him that both he and his weapon are in all ways superior to the Noldor, then proceed to persuade him to give you a demonstration of his prowess.  Never miss an opportunity to stroke your EÖL's…erhm, ego.

**Problem:**  Your EÖL unit is sly and crafty as per his description and avoids sunlight as expected, but his appearance leaves much to be desired and he always reeks of fish.

**Solution:  **Your EÖL is actually a GOLLUM.  If you wish to make an exchange, please send proof of your purchase of EÖL along with GOLLUM back to the manufacturers and the correct unit will be sent to you.

            

**FINAL NOTE - GUARANTEE**

Unlike most other ELVEN units, EÖL comes with only a 20-year guarantee.  We understand this is disappointing, so your EÖL package will come with a bonus coupon towards the purchase of a MAEGLIN.  Whether you own these two units concurrently or not, MAEGLIN is bound to eventually follow in his father's fate.

Your best chance for incident free operation is to stay at home with EÖL forever and to never go anywhere, do anything, or see anyone.  In addition, you should both stay away from perilous heights.  Good luck and enjoy!

*          *          *          *          *

            Mary Sue let the scroll roll closed again.  She didn't know quite what to say.  Dîm's bushy eyebrows had vanished into his hairline; it was apparent he was equally puzzled by the contents of the new scroll.  

            "Well," said Mary Sue at last.  "That was…interesting."

            Dîm grunted.  "Gonna keep it?"  The Doorward thought to himself that he wouldn't mind helping himself to that scroll if the girl didn't want it, but he wasn't going to say so until she'd made up her mind.

            She thought about it.  If the quest didn't work out, a talented Elf with a major inferiority complex might not be such a bad second choice.  "I think I will keep it," she said, tucking the battered scroll in with the Scroll of Finrod and the six precious Annals she had already gathered.

            The Dwarf just nodded.  As long as she was hanging on to it, there was a chance he'd get the opportunity to take another peek at EÖL later.

            "Well, come along, miss.  There be a few more Elf-scrolls here and there.  Perhaps we'll find another Annal of Catoë yet, before we're through!"  _Or maybe something even more interesting!_ he thought privately.

            Nodding, Mary Sue followed the Doorward's bobbing torch through the darkness as he guided her through the Chamber of Marzabûl.

*          *          *          *          *

Ah, good old Eöl!  He's a favorite of mine, poor fellow.  Always thought of him as more victim than villain.  I'm working on an Eöl POV vignette called 'The Sleep-Killer' about his thoughts on the first rising of the sun; the whole thing is supposed to work out as a metaphor for the Elven fear of change.

NEXT:  The Limited Edition Maedhros/Fingon two-pack!  

I tried to write them separately, but my Maedhros and Fingon muses kept sneaking off to the broom closet together!  This one is my most favorite yet!


	4. MAEDHROS & FINGON

Yep, she's still in Moria.  There's one more scroll of Catoë somewhere in all that mess, and Mary Sue's determined to find it.  But will the scroll she finds be the one she seeks?

The Owner's Guide format belongs to Theresa Green, the brilliant creator of this series, and is used with her permission.

Many thanks to our coke snorting beta reader Bow…make that _diet_ coke snorking, who rated this one a 1.9 liters out of a possible 2.0 liters on the snorking scale.

4.  The Chamber of Marzabûl: Maedhros/Fingon

            "My feet hurt!" complained Mary Sue.  She had been in Moria almost a week now, searching the dusty archives of the Dwarves for the missing scrolls of Catoë.  

            "Well, if you had worn sensible footwear," said Dîm unsympathetically.  He couldn't even begin to imagine why the females of her species would torture themselves with the strappy contraptions she had on.  When asked, she told him it was 'fashionable,' but 'ludicrous' was what he called it.

            Mary Sue wisely shut up.  She wanted commiseration, not a lecture.  In the last few days, she had come to positively hate Moria, although she was becoming rather fond of Dîm.  The stout Doorward had been her guide through the halls of the Dwarf mansion of Khazad-dûm, and was now helping her search out the Seventh Scroll of Catoë.  She had already found the sixth moldering away in this sunless place, along with three other scrolls by the same hand.  Two of these she had safely tucked away in her satchel; the other she couldn't get away from fast enough.  She was beginning to wonder if she would _ever _get out of this dreadful place when Dîm began to shuffle importantly, a sign that he thought he was on to something.

            "What is it?" Mary Sue asked eagerly.

            "More Elf-scrolls," he confided.  "These are very special."

            "How so?"

            "These were gifted to the Lords of Khazad-dûm during the height of their creativity, when this realm was in its heyday.  They didn't find their way here from the refuse-heap of other realms.  These are some of our most treasured relics, from a time when the Lords of the Khazad were respected by all!"  As he spoke, Dîm's eyes took on a fiery passion that even Mary Sue was a little startled to see.  Why was it that everyone in Middle-Earth always talked about the past as being preferable to the present?

            Trying to sound at least a little interested, Mary Sue encouraged him to continue.  "And, ah, where did these come from?"

            "These," Dîm said, lovingly stroking a scroll case with his gnarled hand, "were given as gifts to Lord Narvi the Smith by Lord Celebrimbor the…ah…the Smith."

            "Uh-huh."

            "Lord Celebrimbor was the greatest of the Elven-smiths of Eregion, and he was deep in friendship with the Dwarves of Khazad-dûm.  And of all Dwarves, he loved Narvi best.  As a token of their friendship, he gave to Narvi treasures which some say he had brought out of the West, from the land of the Valar.  It is said that Celebrimbor Silverhand was touched by Mahal himself.  He was the grandson of-"

            "Yes, yes," said Mary Sue impatiently, hastily waving away the history lesson.  "But did he have the scroll I'm looking for?"

            Frowning again at having his tale truncated by Mary Sue's short attention span, Dîm waved at the pile of scrolls before them.  "See for yourself," he said, a little testily.

            Mary Sue ignored his irritated tone and eagerly dove into the pile of scrolls, searching for the distinctive seal shared by the Annals of Catoë.

            "Ah ha!" she cried triumphantly, holding aloft a scroll with a familiar seal.  The case was a little scorched-looking, but the parchment appeared to be intact.  Stripping off the seal, she unrolled the scroll (a rather long one) and read it aloud.  Upon the scroll, this is what she read:

**Maedhros/Fingon: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual**

*****CONGRATULATIONS!*****

You are now the proud owner of the MAEDHROS and FINGON two-pack!  Each of these units is sold separately, or as part of the SONS OF FËANOR and CHILDREN OF FINGOLFIN series.  This limited-edition two-pack combines the most popular models of each series.  Each of these robust units is a sturdy Noldorin Prince, so please read these instructions carefully to avoid mishap.

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS (MAEDHROS)**:

Name: _Maedhros,_ will also answer to _Maitimo, Russandol, Nelyafinwë      _

Type: _Noldorin Elf (male)_

Manufacturer: _Spirit of Fire Enterprises_

Date of Manufacture:_  Days of the Two Trees_

Height: _6'8_

Length: _Impressive.  He is called 'Well-formed' and 'the Tall' for a reason._

**TECHNICAL SPECIFICATIONS (FINGON):**

Name:  _Fingon (the Valiant), _also answers to _Findekáno_

Type:_  Noldorin Elf (male)_

Manufacturer:  _Scions of Kings, Unlimited_

Date of Manufacture:  _Days of the Two Trees_

Height:  _6'3_

Length:  _Sufficient.  Satisfaction is guaranteed or your money back._

**ACCESSORIES:**

Your Son of Fëanor comes with the following useful items:

M(a)  Superior Sword of Fëanorian make

M(b)  One Holy-Lite™ Silmaril*

M(c)  Hair grooming supply kit

M(d)  Silver circlet featuring Star of Fëanor motif

M(e)  Forged steel bracelet 

M(f)   Costume befitting First-Age Noldorin prince, including:

i.) Cloak

ii.) Tunic

iii.) Breeches

iv.) Mail

v.) Glove

vi.) Jewelry

Your Son of Fingolfin comes with these accessories:

F(a)  One slightly inferior sword, capable of slicing anything but item M(e)

F(b)  Gold circlet featuring star motif

F(c)   THORONDOR accessory unit (Manufactured by _All Good Beasts, Inc.)___

F(d)  Bow and quiver

F(e)  Snowshoes

F(f)   Banner of blue and silver

F(g)  Harp

F(h)  Costume befitting First-Age Noldorin prince, including:

i.) Cloak

ii.) Tunic

iii.) Breeches

iv.) Mail

v.) Gloves

vi.) Jewelry

F(i)  Complementary trial-size packet of Moral Fiber™ available at fine retailers.

Immediately take and conceal item M(b).  It is imperative that MAEDHROS does not discover you have done this!

*batteries not included

**INSTALLATION (MAEDHROS): **

Caution – to avoid tragedy, please follow these instructions carefully or the unnecessary slaughter of innocents may result.  Have the following items on hand: lighter fluid, matches, pepper spray, silk scarves, canister of NO2.

(1) FINGON and MAEDHROS ship separately, and we recommend you install MAEDHROS first.

(2) Expect your unit to be rather upset after shipping.

(3) It is necessary to subdue MAEDHROS before removing him from his crate.  Vent the entire canister of NO2 into the crate until MAEDHROS stops struggling.

(4) Quickly haul him out and tie him up using the silk scarves.  (Yes, you can use rope if you _really _want to…)

(5) Douse the crate in lighter fluid.  Be prepared to use pepper spray as MAEDRHOS will undoubtedly try to get back in it.

(6) Burn the crate as quickly as possible.  Expect MAEDHROS to mutter to himself as he mournfully watches the crate burn.

(7) Once his crate is gone, MAEDHROS will be much more obedient.  Untie him when his wrath subsides, but keep the pepper spray handy.  It's a good idea to release him as soon as possible, as MAEDHROS resents being restrained (unless in play).

**INSTALLATION (FINGON):**

To get your FINGON up and running, please be advised of the following:

(1) FINGON and MAEDHROS units ship in separate crates, even in the two-pack.  This is to give the new owner a chance to adjust their programming before they are exposed to each other, lest they ignore you completely.  MAEDHROS will arrive first.

(2) All FINGON units ship frozen in a refrigerated crate.  

(3) It is necessary to warm FINGON before he will be fully functional.

(4) To accomplish this, first remove FINGON from his crate.  He will be quite unresisting as he is frozen stiff.

(5) Unwrap your FINGON unit and expose him to a heat source until he thaws out.  We recommend body heat, preferably your own.

(6) Once he warms up sufficiently, FINGON will be ready for action.

**OPERATING PROCEDURE:**

Your MAEDHROS is a creature of superior intellect and prowess, and can make himself useful at many tasks around the house.

Security:  MAEDHROS has very strong protective instincts and may gather other First Age ELVEN units in your vicinity to execute his _Union of Maedhros_ program, organizing a neighborhood watch and preventing enemies from entering.  MAEDHROS is excellent protection against marauding ORCS and raving FANGIRLS.

Lost and Found:  Very strong searching instincts make MAEDHROS an excellent sleuth.  Describe a missing item to MAEDHROS and he will seek it out and reclaim it at all costs.  Use caution with this function, as unnecessary Kinslaying may result.  This program is more effective with objects than people.

Baby-sitter:  While not exactly 'good with children,' MAEDHROS will nonetheless keep them safely tucked away if you must leave them in his care.  If one or two children happen to go missing, his _Lost and Found_ program will be automatically initiated.

Fanfic Author:  Give your MAEDHROS quill and parchment, and you will find that he writes superlative action/adventure fanfiction!  His specialty, of course, is cliff-hangers.

FINGON has many useful talents of his own.

Children's Playmate:  Especially useful when run in conjunction with MAEDHROS' babysitter function.  Fingon will happily entertain your children for hours with stories, songs, and games.  His specialty is his own musical version of Marco-Polo.

Search and Rescue:  No matter what the odds, FINGON will brave all and hasten to the rescue of persons in need.  He may utilize his musical Marco-Polo skills in this capacity as well.

Entertainer:  FINGON knows his way around the harp strings and can perform anything from Valinorean ballads to modern easy-listening after hearing a song performed only once!  His lovely voice is also an asset.  Group him with a DAERON and a MAGLOR and you have the makings of an excellent Boy Band.

Nightlight:  In dire circumstances, FINGON is capable of producing a white flame, providing lovely illumination in addition to being handy when your pilot light blows out.__

**COMPATABILITY (MAEDHROS):**

MAEDHROS can be programmed with the following settings:****

*Fluff

*Torment

*Slash

In *_Fluff _mode, you'll find that MAEDHROS strongly resembles an Elfling ranging in age anywhere from infancy to majority.  He is irresistibly cute, high-spirited, and tends to cause 'aww's and amusement wherever he goes (or crawls).  MAEDHROS can safely interact with any other unit in *_Fluff_ mode and the result will be entertaining.

In *_Torment_ mode, you'll find MAEDHROS is less amusing (unless you are into _that_ sort of thing).  This is the standard factory setting.  MAEDHROS is a largely solitary unit, but will get along reasonably well with other units in the SONS OF FËANOR series.  He is quite incompatible with any and all ORCS, GOBLINS, WEREWOLVES, and any other units from the FORCES OF DARKNESS lines.  Allowing MAEDHROS to interact with any of these will cause maiming and/or death to one or both units.  He should also be prevented from interacting with any units of TELERIN origin, whether from Alqualondë Incorporated or Menegroth Manufacturers.

*_Slash_ mode produces varied results, depending on units available for interface.  Just about any unit in the vicinity will be magnetically drawn to a MAEDRHOS in *_Slash_ mode.  ORC units will happily give him a good flogging, while other FORCES OF DARKNESS may be even more creative.  A MAEDHROS in *_Slash_ mode will also draw any FINGON units in from a 20-mile radius.

These are MAEDHROS' only three settings.  Moderation is not part of his programming.

MAEDHROS comes with the following software bundles installed: _Adorable Elfling, Unbreakable Oath, Kinslaying v3.0,*  Ambidexterity, Fraternal Rage, Union of Maedhros, Swordsmanship, Lost and Found v7.0, Doom of Mandos, _and _Pyrophilia._

*Some older MAEDHROS units may come with _Kinslaying v1.0 or 2.0._  Version_ 3.0 _incorporates these older versions so that MAEDHROS is up-to-date for all three _Kinslaying_s.  If you register an older version of this software, a free copy of _3.0 Update _will be shipped to you in the mail.

**COMPATABILITY (FINGON):**

FINGON units have three settings:****

*Fluff

*Action/Adventure

*Slash

FINGON's *_Fluff_ mode is very similar to MAEDHROS' and the same description applies.

In *_Action/Adventure_ mode, FINGON is prone to performing acts of heroism and self-sacrifice.  He will dutifully lead troops into battle or bravely risk all for the sake of a single person.  This courageous, charismatic unit is generally well-liked by other MEN and ELVES (exceptions include some of the FËANORIAN units).  FINGON will immediately attack and attempt to slay any FORCES OF DARKNESS units he may encounter, and indeed may go seeking them out in this mode.  FINGON's attitude towards MAEDHROS in *_Action/Adventure_ mode is affectionate, brotherly, and loyal.

In *_Slash_ mode, FINGON is exclusively (and relentlessly) attracted to MAEDHROS.

***WARNING*** It is imperative you do not expose your FINGON to any GOTHMOG or other BALROG units.  Damage and death may result.

FINGON comes with the following software bundles installed:  _Valiant Elfling, Valiant Moral Superiority*, Valiant Search and Rescue, Valiant High King, Valiant Friendship, _and _Valiant Swordsmanship._

*This is the equivalent of the MANWË unit's _Goody Two-Shoes_ software, repackaged for ELVEN units.

***NOTE***

Specialty stores carry optional accessory software for both units.  

Optional software for MAEDHROS includes:  _Foster Parenting for Beginners, Incipient Madness, _and _Boating for Dummies v1.1_

FINGON units can be augmented with _Valiant Kinslaying Lite, Valiant Husband, _and _Valiant Fatherhood._

FINGON and MAEDHROS units are compatible in any combination of settings, except for _Fluff/Slash,_ because that's just wrong.

**FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS**

**Q:  **My MAEDHROS used to be a quiet, sensible, and reliable unit.  Now he's defiant, moody, and angsty.  What happened?****

**A:  **It's likely that your MAEDHROS has recently come into contact with a FËANOR unit, which is notorious for his Public Speaking program.  FËANOR has likely reprogrammed MAEDHROS and incited him to rebellion.  Check his settings and try to interest him in some stress-relieving activities.  _Note: Sailing is not an appropriate hobby for MAEDHROS._

**Q:  **I've noticed some ORC units putting up posters around the neighborhood with pictures of my FINGON on them.  What is going on!?

**A:  **Ask around the neighborhood and find out who has a MORGOTH unit nearby.  This dark VALA has put a price on FINGON's head, and the ORC units are putting up wanted posters.  Have your two ELF units gather as many other neighborhood ELVES as possible and smite the offending neighbor's gates.

**Q:  **A package came in the mail for MAEDHROS with an absolutely hideous helmet in it, and now MAEDRHOS wants to hang it on the wall!  I'm afraid to argue with him – what should I do?****

**A:  **It is the Dwarf-helm of Azaghâl, sent to your MAEDHROS as a gift by the DWARF-lord.  To get rid of the ugly thing, convince MAEDHROS that he should give it to FINGON as a gift, which he will readily do.  FINGON (who has more taste than MAEDHROS) will in turn hand it off to the nearest available HADOR unit, who will pass it to GALDOR, who will give it to HÚRIN, and eventually it will find its way into the hands of a TÚRIN unit as the Dragon-helm of Dor-Lómion.  TÚRIN's taste is bad enough to actually hang on to the thing.****

**Q:**  Last week my MAEDHROS began acting erratic.  Recently he's had several near-misses with incidents involving fire.  He keeps attempting to self-immolate.  What is happening?

**A: ** Check the location and status of item M(b), the Silmaril.  If your MAEDHROS has discovered its hiding place and claimed it, he is likely being tormented by holy fire, for no unhallowed hand may touch it.  Take the Silmaril away from him and immediately cast it into the sea.  (Remember to keep pepper-spray handy.)

**Q:  **My MAEDHROS and FINGON are always slipping off together.  I hear them making a lot of noise in the bedroom, along with a lot of banging and shouting.  I've heard MAEDHROS tell FINGON that he was going 'to run him through.'  Why are they fighting, and what should I do?

**A:  **As long as both units are set to *_Slash_ mode, there is nothing to worry about.  They are merely relieving stress.  No matter what mode he's in, MAEDHROS will never intentionally hurt FINGON, and we guarantee he won't run FINGON through in any way he won't enjoy.

**TROUBLE SHOOTING:**

**Problem:**  Your MAEDHROS unit has disappeared and an ORC unit has delivered a ransom note.

**Solution:**  Your FINGON unit is well-equipped to deal with this problem.  Pile all of his accessories on him and set him to _*Action/Adventure_ mode.  Send THORONDOR along with him, and FINGON will not fail to find and rescue MAEDHROS.*

**Problem: **You followed the above, but your MAEDHROS unit is now sans one hand.

**Solution:  **This, unfortunately, is MAEDHROS' fate.  However, with his _Ambidexterity_ program, your MAEDHROS will learn to wield a sword in his left hand with even more deadly ability than his right.  Reassure him that he is still attractive and remind him that he only needs one hand to…ehrm, wield his sword.  If this is unsatisfactory, replacement parts may be available from the manufacturer.

**Problem:**  Your MAEDHROS is moody, withdrawn, and volatile and you keep catching him trying to initiate his _Kinslaying_ program.  

**Solution:**  Once again, FINGON to the rescue.  Put both units on _*Slash_ mode, give them some privacy and a few accessories and the problem should take care of itself.  If anything ever happens to your FINGON unit, you are advised to replace it as soon as possible, or dire consequences could result.

**Problem:**  Suddenly an Elfling has appeared in your midst, and you have no idea where he could have possibly come from.

**Solution:**  Congratulations!  You have experienced the spontaneous generation of an EREINION unit!  This may or may not be the result of your units interfacing in *_Slash_ mode. EREINION is the Scion of Kings and comes with _Ambiguous Paternity_ programming; you do not have to return him.  This cheerful little fellow is (possibly) the son of FINGON, and will grow up to be a manly High King, so take good care of him!  If you wish, you can purchase accessory software and allow FINGON and MAEDHROS to attempt to rear him, or you may send your new EREINION to a CÍRDAN unit to be fostered.

**Problem:**  MAEDHROS disappeared for several weeks and came home with two strange Elflings you've never seen before.  

**Solution:  **These adorable fellows are the SONS OF EÄRENDIL twin-pack.  If you do not wish to buy the _Foster Parenting for Dummies _accessory software, try to find out who they belong to and return them.  If you cannot, find the nearest MAGLOR unit and give the Elflings to him.

**Problem:  **While hanging out with some friends, MAEHDROS suddenly pitched an inexplicable fit of rage.

**Solution:  **MAEDHROS has finally become intolerably frustrated by people mispronouncing his name as 'Made-rōs.'  All you can do is wait for him to calm down and make sure you do not make the same mistake.

**Problem:  **Even when not in *_Fluff_ mode, you notice MAEDHROS treats your FINGON like an Elfling, and FINGON meekly obeys his every word.  

**Solution:  **You have accidentally been issued an ELROND unit instead of FINGON.  While these two units closely resemble one another, their programming is quite different.  On the other hand…you have an ELROND unit!  Deal with it! 

**Problem:**  When you opened the crate, you found two MAEDHROS units in it, and one of them jumped back inside the crate while you were trying to burn it.

**Solution:  **You have accidentally been issued the AMBARUSSA twin-pack, AMROD and AMRAS.  If the crate and both units are intact, you may return them to the manufacturer along with your proof of purchase of MAEDHROS, and the correct unit will be sent to you.  If, however, you have accidentally burned one unit alive inside the crate, the other is non-returnable as they are never sold separately.  You will have to keep him and purchase another MAEDHROS.  Sorry, no exceptions.

*Manufacturers are not liable for any damage to any unit which may result.

**FINAL NOTE – GUARANTEE**

FINGON comes with a lifetime(yours) guarantee.  After the normal span of your years, we make no promises, so your heirs may one day find that their FINGON unit suspiciously resembles roadkill.****

MAEDHROS, however, comes with an unlimited guarantee* for as long as the Earth lasts.

*_fëa only.__  MAEDHROS' hröa guaranteed for one life-age of the Earth._

*          *          *          *          *

             "Well, that's just sick," said Dîm, his beard wagging as he shook his head.

            Mary Sue had to agree.  The word 'slash' brought to mind a graphic, if not exactly accurate, mental picture which she didn't care for in the least.  

            "Burning folks up inside of crates!" the Dwarf continued sadly.  

            The heroine gaped at him.

            "I take it that this is not the Elf-scroll you're looking for either?" Dîm asked her, mistaking her look.

            "Er…no.  But, I, ah, I think I'll hang on to this one anyway.  It sounds, ah…interesting."

            Dîm couldn't agree more.  He had considered filching the scroll himself, if Mary Sue didn't want it.  "Well, come along, lass.  We're almost to the end of the archives.  If that scroll you're after is here, it won't be long now til we find it!"  Dîm began to hum a mining tune under his breath while Mary Sue took one last peek at the Scroll of Maedhros and Fingon before rolling it up and resealing the case.  She slid it carefully into her satchel next to the Scrolls of Finrod and Eöl and the six Annals of Catoë.

            With Dîm's cheerful tune leading the way, the two intrepid adventurers headed into the deepest and darkest recesses of the unexplored corners of the Chamber of Marzabûl.

*          *          *          *          *

Well, that's it for the Chamber of Marzabûl.  Of course Mary Sue finds the Seventh Scroll of Catoë and then she's out of there!  I have actually become rather fond of Dîm the Doorward, and he will be Mary Sue's sidekick for the rest of her quest.  There are other Owner's Guides to be found elsewhere in Middle-Earth, for the quest will take her to the dark archives of the spire of Orthanc and the Mathom-House of Michel-Delving, from the talyrn of Lothlórien to Lord Elrond's study in search of the scattered scrolls.

Guides for Lúthien, Thingol, and Ereinion are in the works, with Theresa Green's permission, as well as a few LOTR characters.  We'll entertain requests if there's anyone in particular you'd like to see.

Fingolfin?  We-ell…  I certainly like the guy.  I'll see what I can do!

*          *          *          *          *

Finrod, Túrin, Eöl, Maedhros, and Fingon, along with all other recognizable characters and places belong to Tolkien.  I don't own them, I've only borrowed them.

The original Owner's Guides format belongs to its creator, Theresa Green, and is used of course with her permission.

The original characters, situations, adaptations, and story frame all belong to me and may not be used without permission.


End file.
